


Born to die

by Iplaydead



Series: What a tangled web we weave [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Loki, Complicated Relationships, Dark Loki (Marvel), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Graphic Description, Heavy Angst, Hiding, Hurt Loki, I'm Bad At Tagging, Loki Angst, Loki Does What He Wants, Loki Feels, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki-centric, Love, Love/Hate, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possessive Loki, Running Away, Sex, Suicide squad dynamic, Tags May Change, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-08-22
Packaged: 2018-12-15 05:01:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11798937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iplaydead/pseuds/Iplaydead
Summary: Loki and Lily are on the run from Thanos, but find themselves constantly having to fight off Asgardian bounty hunters."It wasn't our love that caused us such grief, but knowing what we had and what we could have had, and lost it. That's what hurt."





	Born to die

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  **Part 1- Gods and Monsters  
>  Part 2- Bittersweet Symphony (Prequel)**
> 
> If you have not read Gods and Monsters, I encourage you to do so. It will explain Loki and Lily's back story.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months have passed since Frigga's visit and a lot has changed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked on this chapter for way longer than necessary and I'm still not satisfied with it- it's also the reason why this fic was delayed for so long. I kept scraping it. But, I finally decided to keep this- after hours and hours of editing. 
> 
> ........Writing is hard.  
> [](https://imgbb.com/)  
> Hopefully it doesn't suck as much as I think it does. xD 

It seems like forever ago when Loki's mother showed up at our doorstep with a surprise visit, warning us about Thanos, how he was searching for Loki and there was a chance he was coming for me too.   _That was the night everything changed._   Frigga had urged us to depart from Midgard, but the more Loki thought about it, the more he realized leaving Midgard wasn't a good idea. 

_'If something was to happen to me, if by some chance I cannot get away or defend myself, if I am taken or worse, you will end up alone and vulnerable- not to mention trapped on another realm with no way back.'_

It took all of ten seconds for me to agree that leaving Earth was not an option.  The thought of being _alone_ on another planet and with no way home wasn't on my list of to do's. However, we didn't deny that it was still tempting since we were positive Shield wouldn't follow us across realms, but in all honesty, Fury and his bandit of monkeys were at the very bottom of our list of problems.  Even as organized and persistent as Shield was they were still only an organization of _mortals_.  I won't deny that they could be dangerous- if you were mortal that is, but even their strongest weapons couldn't touch Loki, or me for that matter.  The stone I wore around my neck protected me by creating a force-field around my entire body and those who attempted to breach the force-field were automatically thrown backwards, landing a good fifteen feet away from where they had originally been standing.  There was also the painful jolt of electricity to go with it (at least, that's what it looked like to me) followed by death. 

To this day I still didn't understand how my necklace operated.  I had fought in hand-to-hand combat without the barrier activating many times, but it was as if the stone knew when to shield me, and when to let me go on my own.  I'll admit that it was slightly bizarre that I didn't know a damn thing about the necklace that I wore every day besides the fact that it would protect me.  But I also couldn't deny how safe it made me feel.  It'd kept me alive at times when Loki couldn't.  Without the necklace Loki gifted me, I wouldn't be here.  Even as tough and resourceful as I was, it didn't mean I was a match for Asgardian bounty hunters.  We guessed since Thor was refusing to hunt us Odin had decided to take matters into his own hands, making our lives as miserable as possible while he was at it.  When it came down to those fights- with the Asgardians- I felt totally and utterly useless.  They were too strong, overpowering me ten times over.  Still, Loki showed me how to defend myself from them- how to remain quick on my feet, dodge and use their strength against them, and I had managed to kill _one_ of them over the past six months, but it was Loki who kept us alive.  Normally I could do nothing but stand there and watch.  Powerless to help. They didn't want _me_ , at least not like SHIELD did, but every now and then one would decided (or more realize) that I was an easy target, but the necklace I wore around my neck was powerful enough to keep them off of me if I couldn't handle it; which was most likely the case- Asgardian's are tough as nails.  It didn't kill them, but it did make them think twice about trying again.  Loki would often use those opportunities to get an upper hand if he had the chance, taking out the enemy while they were still in a daze-like state. 

There were times Loki was forced take on six or more Asgardian bounty hunters by himself- slicing through them one by one, using duplicates of himself long enough to confuse them so that he could go in for the kill, or using his seidr to fire magical orbs of energy.  I often wondered if those in Asgard that had laughed at him- teased him, taunted him, and called him _weak_  and _unmanly_  - were laughing now?  Loki was ruthless, savage, unmerciful, and without a shadow of a doubt powerful. But even Gods have their limits.

Loki was also exhausted.  I could see it written all over his face.   

It was hard to tell how many hotels and cities that were left destroyed before we finally figured out they could still trace us despite Loki cloaking us.  The revelation left Loki feeling worthless, frustrated, and most of all enraged.  Sometimes it took hours while other times it took days, but somehow they always managed to find us.  We couldn't even leave anything in the room with us anymore, having to place all of our personal belongings back into whatever car Loki had stolen before we could lay down and rest.  Sometimes the sounds of the Bifrost would wake us, depending on if we were in a remote enough area, but usually the alarm from Loki's ward is what warned us.  I don't know how it could detect friend from foe, but I wasn't going to question it.  It worked.   

 

The toll of all this- the running, the hiding, the battles- had torn at our mental, physical, and emotional state of being, leaving us numb and hollow most of the time. It was slowly but surely tearing us apart.  We were fighting and arguing all the time.  We were stressed, tired, and just downright overwhelmed- with everything.  We just wanted a moment to rest, to stop time and take a moment to breathe.  Sometimes I found myself wondering why Loki stayed.  Why he didn't just run and leave me behind.  I knew I was the one holding us back because of my mortality. Without me dragging him down, he could escape his not-father, escape Thanos.  He didn't need me, not really.  But no matter how bad things got, even in our worst moments, he never _left me._   Sure, there had been times he had stormed off while I stayed behind in the hotel room, or vehicle, terrified that today was the day he would leave and never look back.  But Loki would come back- it didn't matter how angry he was with me or how angry I was with him- he _always_ came back.  He loved me and I loved him, but was it enough?  I often felt like the only thing that was holding us together- grounding us- was those rare moments in time we had to steal to lose ourselves in the throes of passion.  No thoughts, no words, only our bodies physically connecting, taking in the feeling of our lips connecting; kissing, sucking, licking one another.  The feel of our bodies joined together as we made love.   _That_ , is what we had to hold onto.  

In those moments, nothing else mattered.  I- _we_  needed them to keep going; to remind ourselves how we'd gotten here.  To remind us how we'd fallen in love even though neither one of us had intended on it going that far.  But it _had_ gone that far and we hadn't even made it through our first year of marriage yet- only four months shy of a full year- and I was already finding myself wondering if we were going to make it. Could we survive this?  It was supposed to have been perfect, something beautiful between the two of us, but now we were reduced to having to force ourselves to remember that we did in fact, love one another.  That it hadn't always been this way; that is wasn't our fault. When things were good the man made it impossible for me to breathe, devouring and consuming me, while I breathed every bit of him in that I could get.  In case it was the last time, because it always felt like the last time.  The intensity of it all left us overwhelmed, only making it that much harder on us when we would fight.  

_It hurt._

Loki was a damaged, arrogant, entitled Prince; God of Mischief, but he was also someone that I loved so completely and so deeply, I knew that if I ever lost him that it would _break me_.  Even in the worst moments when I swore I hated him, I loved him.  Even when he would take his anger out on me, even when he hurt me, I still loved him.  I couldn't stop.  I also didn't want to.  Because I knew deep down that if things were different, that if we weren't on the run, and everyone would just leave us alone that we could be happy. _We'd been happy._  

I just wanted our life back.

 

I can't heal the damage on Loki caused by years of emotional and mental abuse from Odin and I can't make up for the neglect that he had felt as a child; that he was never good enough.  I can't take away the scars that riddled his body from the brutal tortures he'd endured and I can't take away the painful memories.  Instead, I would hold him through his nightmares, assuring him that he was okay, and that I'm here.  That he was safe.  That it was only a bad dream.  Then I would tell him how much I loved him and how I would never leave.  How I had accepted him- all of him.  Including his flaws, his faults, and every mistake that he had made or may make in the future.  Claiming loyalty to him and him alone.  If or when he screwed up, I would be there to help him pick up the pieces.  For better and for worse, I would be there.  

Loving Loki isn't easy, but I'd sworn to myself a long time ago that I would never give up on him- never abandon him like everyone else had.  I would and will fight for us until the very end.  Until my last breath.  I will fight for our love-  The love thatLoki deserved.  Even if that love slowly killed me (and maybe it already was) I would still fight for it.  Because at least I would always know that it had been _real._    It wasn't our love that caused us such grief, but knowing what we had and what we could have had, and lost it.   _That's what hurt._  

* * *

Every night we'd sleep in a different hotel.  Another city.  Same shit, different day.

Three days had gone by without seeing bounty hunters, but we were sure they weren't trailing far behind. SHIELD had lost track of us a few months ago, and Thanos, well, any day that he didn't find us was a good day.  I guess it could be worse.  

I stepped out of the shower and changed into something more comfortable to sleep in before brushing my teeth.  Loki was out getting us something to eat so I relaxed on the bed, finding a movie called Django, and began watching it while I awaited his return.  Shortly after, Loki came back with some Chinese food- that smelled divine- I eagerly joined him, sitting at a little table that was placed next to the window in our room.  After dinner and a movie, I cleaned up while Loki took his turn in the shower.  I was already in bed reading a book when Loki walked out of the bathroom and curled up against me leaving a trail of kisses along my collarbone.

"What are you reading, love?"  He asked, situating himself and laying down on his side to face me. 

"The Absence of Nectar."  I reply, turning to smile at him.  

It had been a good day for us, and for that I was thankful.  We'd been doing better- at least this past week- about remembering not to turn on one another when things got too hard.  We still had our moments, because nobody's perfect, but for the most part things between us had been better.  However, I couldn't help but feel like this was the calm before the storm.  But being who I am, I try not to dwell on the things that are out of my control.  I used to, but anymore it takes up far too much of my energy- energy that I cannot afford to waste.

"What is it about?"  I knew full well that this wasn't the kind of book Loki would ever read, but since he'd asked I figured I might as well indulge him with an answer.  

"Well, it's about this twelve year-old girl named Alice and her brother Boone- who is obsessed with a girl named Persley Snow- and how their mother met a man named Simon who rescued her from drowning.  He becomes their stepfather, but it doesn't take long for the children to realize that he is very wicked and cruel- convinced that he is trying to poison them.  At first their mother doesn't believe them and then one day she tells her children to run.  So they do."  I shrug.  "More or less."  I had read this book so many times that I could probably tell Loki exactly what happened from beginning to end, but I could tell that I was already losing him.  

"I see..."  He trailed, and I couldn't help but notice that he was trying to think of something else to say, and I couldn't help but laugh at his adorable attempt to involve himself in a book that I knew from the get-go he would have zero interest in.

"It's okay, I know this isn't your kind of book."  I tell him, but he still had a guilty look on his face.  "Hey, you tried, and we aren't always going to like the same things.  It's a plus, sure, but I don't expect you to like everything that I like and I don't expect to like everything you like.  For example-  _the news._ "  I scowled playfully at him.  I really did hate the news though, and for whatever reason, it was all Loki ever wanted to watch on most days.  I won't lie and say that it didn't drive me crazy sometimes- Because it totally did.

"That is very true, and I'm well aware of just how much you hate the news." He chuckled shaking his head.  "Are you ready for bed, Sweetness?"

I nod, and dog-ear the page (something I would never do with Loki's books unless of course I had a death wish) marking my place before setting the book down on a table that was next to the bed before rolling over and cuddling up to Loki. He placed a hand on my cheek, stroking it lightly, and gazing at me intensely.  I'd noticed he'd been doing that a lot recently. 

"Why do you look at me that way?"  The question tumbled out of my mouth before I could stop myself.  

"So I never forget." he whispered. 

I furrowed my brows.  "What do you mean?"

Loki sighed and pulled me closer against his chest, wrapping his arms around me while I burrowed my face into the crook of his neck.  "Just in case... I lose you, I never want to forget.  Not a single detail."  

My breathing and possibly my heart stopped momentarily.   _Oh._ Well, that was clearly more depressing than it needed to be, but if I was being completely honest with myself, I couldn't deny that I had been doing the same thing.  I just hadn't realized it until now.  I'd been memorizing and imprinting every little detail about Loki so when the time came and he was gone I would always remember him.   _'So I never forget.'_

"You'll never lose me."  I whisper softly lacing his fingers with mine.  We both knew it was a lie, but I still thought it was a good one.

 

  
We were startled awake by the all too familiar alarms of Loki's ward- warning us that bounty hunters were close by.  I grabbed my book and Loki stored it inside his magic pocket while I quickly changed into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, leaving my pajama's behind, and headed to the lobby as quickly as possible.  When we finally arrived downstairs, not only were we greeted with at least ten Asgardian warriors, but by the Allfather himself.  I couldn't see Loki's face due to the paralyzing fear I was currently feeling, not to mention the fact that I was too terrified to take my eyes off of Odin, but I heard the way his breathing had hitched in his throat and I could literally feel the anxiety pulsating off of him, while I stood there frozen in place, willing myself to move.  It was only when Loki grabbed and pulled me against his chest to wrap his arms around me that I finally moved.    

"I wouldn't try and run." The Allfather growled, pointing a large golden spear in our direction and began to approach us slowly- his warriors following close behind.  "For if you do, _you will not get far_."  

Okay, so that had definitely been a threat on his part.  

The pounding of Loki's heart and his shallow, shaky breathing was all I needed to hear in order to realize just how utterly and royally screwed we were.  I felt like a coward, but I couldn't help but tremble uncontrollably knowing that this man wanted to possibly hurt and imprison my husband.  Odin wanted to take Loki away from me.  I grabbed a hold of Loki's hand and held onto it for dear life, not caring that I was having a difficult time breathing from the crushing death grip Loki had me in.  I wasn't sure if it was just my imagination screwing with me or if it was actually happening, but I could have sworn the closer Odin got the harder Loki trembled. 

"Loki..."  I whimper.  "What's happening?"

"It'll be alright, Lily." Loki assured me and gave my hand a gentle squeeze.   

For someone that I knew for a fact was clearly panicking on the inside he sure did know how to hold himself together.  If I didn't know what I already knew- and couldn't feel his body betraying him- I would think that Loki was seriously bored right now.  

But not me.  I was already a sobbing mess.  And I never cry- Why was I crying so much?  

"Don't let me go, Loki."  I beg, ignoring the hot stream of tears that rolled down my cheeks. 

"I won't let you go."  Odin now stood directly in front of us and glared down angrily at Loki; who tightened his grip on me once more.

_"....I promise."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Absence of Nectar is a real book for the record. ;)  
> Django is one of the best movies ever made- IMO- Leo should have gotten his Oscar for that one.
> 
> A dog-ear is a folded down corner of a book page. (Just in case that term is not well known- I'm not sure...) lol

**Author's Note:**

> Comments, Kudos, and all-types of feedback are appreciated.


End file.
